A lightbulb!!!!!!

Today is December 8, 2009.  It has been way too long since I last blogged but I have had more on my plate than I know what to do with.  Peter the Blog Police has given me steady reminders to pick back up!  So here we go.  

I could very easily go into the details of the last few weeks/months, but to be honest I don't want to.  I am fully aware that each and every time we face trials in our lives,  we can grow from them so I chose to grow. I am thankful that along the way I have the most amazing friends that keep reminding me what Joy is.  Laughter is always a good medicine.  

Today has been a day unlike an other for me.  I have allowed myself to become lazy and distracted lately and it is no ones fault but my own, and it was time to get back in touch with reality.   My day started as they always do, way too early and not enough coffee.  The rain beating against my windows as the alarm went off made me feel like it would be best to roll over and pull the covers of my amazingly comfortable over sized bed up and over my head and sleep the morning away! But wait.... I am a Mom and at this current state until my partner in crime returns from Guatemala, a single mom.  So reluctantly I got out of bed and began getting my kids up and at it this morning.  Let me add that people in Arkansas act as if Rain will kill them so they forget how to drive when the rain hits!  I have no patience when it comes to that so after 15 min on the interstate I jumped off and took the back country roads towards my kids school!  Deliverance movie rolling in my head the whole time! 

After pulling through to get my starbucks life support, I received a phone call from an old student that seemed urgent so I turned the stereo down and gave her my undivided attention.  This is where a light bulb went off for me.  As she began to describe her predicament I began to think back to the way I viewed myself at her age and the way soooooo many of my friends viewed themselves.  I began to grasp every word she spoke as if they were my own knowing more than she realized the depth of her broken little heart.  She spilled everything.  The need to achieve human acceptance, especially that of men.  The broken heart after broken heart after broken heart.  The image issues that she struggled with.  The whole time I am hearing this I am thinking to myself "Do you know who you are?"  From the outside looking in she is one of the most accomplished, talented, beautiful young ladies I know, and yes she is in fact a true lady.  She told me about these relationships that she keeps running back to after she gets hurt, the whole time trying to convince me that she is what these people needed....she was their Messiah. She never said that but it was like she thought that maybe one more go around with these losers and they would see the truth. Nothing was ever good enough she felt....and she was never worthy.  Not to mention that the kind of guys she would get caught up with were thugs to say the least.  Her relationship with her parents is horrible and her mom is emotionally checked out, and her dad is another story.  She talked for a few minutes and asked if she could call me later.  I agreed knowing she was going to want answers.  After we hung up I began to think about what causes young people to feel the way they do, especially girls.  Where does it all began.  The crazy thing is the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel uncomfortable and sad.  How in the world was I going to give this girl advice?  I had to go back and look at where my life started taking a turn.  Where I stopped looking at others to give me the identity that God had already established.  I began to realize that we often allow people to put us on the back burners if you will until we are needed and that is where we find that pit of loneliness and depression.  Why do we do this to ourselves.  We spoke off and on through the day.  I saw a pattern with her.  She gets hurt by people that she loves or thinks she loves and because the reality of what love is has never been experienced by this child she runs back to the very ones that hurt her in hopes it wont happen again.  Every relationship she had this cycle.   The strange thing is she has grown comfortable with the rejection to the point that she brings a lot of it on herself.  Our final conversation of the day, and I am well aware that this is just the beginning, was centered around finding your self worth and identity in God.  I wanted everything to tell her to drop the loser friends, dump the idiot thug, etc.  but instead I knew that would drive her closer to what was hurting her.  So, instead I challenged her to a quest.  One that will help her see the beauty and value that she has.  

There comes a point in our lives that we have to stop looking for others to believe in us and we have to believe in ourselves.  Having the faith that God will complete the work He started if we give him that opportunity, even when no one else believe it can happen.   Not long after our conversation I was in a challenging meeting pushing me to go further than I have ever gone.  Scared and excited at the same time, I am ready to move forward.  I can look back at my life over the past 31 years and smile.  I have accomplished more than I have ever thought possible and I am just beginning.  I have the right people around me that believe in me when I cant believe in myself.  I am loved and I love.  What an amazing place to be.  I want that for my students and I want that for my kids.  

I told my young friend today that I am confident that if I spoke with or ran into ANYONE from my past, they would not know who I was, but I finally do, and I pray the same thing for her. 

My evening came to a close as my brave 7 yr old daughter, Hadyn convinced me to let her cut off all of her hair.  She wanted so bad to donate it to locks of love in honor of two of our students that are fighting cancer.  She is a cool kid!  

So its not a funny blog but suck it up Peter....I cant always be funny.....I am not a light switch! =) 

Thursday!

Today has been a good day........

I laughed a lot today.  I have amazing friends that inspire that as well as some awkward students.  And you cant forget the back woods Arkansan who pop in and out of the picture to add flavor!  I wish I was smoother with my camera and I would record it all!  

It is 1:32am and a bunch of friends just left my house.  I will be getting up in 4 hours to get ready so I can get my kids ready to receive an education from someone other than me.  Hadyn asked why I dont homeschool.  My answer was because I love you and I want you to be smart.  She followed with "Are you not smart Mamma?"  I sent her on to play.  Sad day!  Why did that convo have to take place? 

My day was full of meetings....as most days are.  If I don't blog everyday, Peter the blog police will send me a friendly reminder.....so to keep the peace....I am blogging.  Much Love....Good Night! 

Wednesday

I went to Childrens to see my sweet Haley today.  We found out she is going to be losing her hair.  She is such a strong little girl! I admire her courage.  As I was leaving that wing of the hospital I passed several kids who were out and about that had already lost their hair.  It was more than I could handle at that moment.  

I went back up to GLR and the Dirt Conference was full in effect.  Phil was running around like a chicken with out a head, but that is pretty much the story of our lives.  He took a break and came into my office just to talk.  It was a big surprise, to just have him sitting there....talking.  He is a man of few words.  For those who do not know me, I love to ask questions.  I love to understand.  Phil left no questions to be asked today..... he just talked.  I was in shock! However, when he was done..... he was done.  He has nothing left to say.  hahaha

I worked all day going over emails and budgets for 2010.  Not the fun stuff, but very necessary.  

Church was great tonight and I love my team!  They are the best!  Charles is making a video for Elevation Sunday night promoting G-Life.  It is going to be funny to say the least!  

We ate at wings to go.....again.  That is all we do on Wednesday nights after church.  They love us there.  It is getting scary because they all know our names.  hahahahaha  I took my picture with a chicken tonight..... I really don't know why.  

Tuesday

Well, not much to say except I am glad today is over.  I had a very uneducated man tell me that I need to stop trying to do a mans job.  I should have pushed him over....but I handled it as a lady should and then waited until it was safe and lost my mind.....haha JERK!

I drank more coffee today than I have in my life, and I shook for so long everyone thought I was trying to dance. 

I realized something about myself....I need my friends.  Not the people who pretend to be my friends or the people who think they can gain anything from being my friend....but the real ones. I love having people who see me for who I am.  That know my heart, my dreams and my potential.  I love when people are not afraid to challenge me, but I don't like having my buttons pushed....why do I even have buttons.... PLEASE DONT PUSH MY BUTTONS.  All I can say, is life is too short to go at it alone.  Thank God, I have amazing people to enjoy this ride with, even if they are not all right here.  

I also re- kindled my love with fruit roll ups today.  I forgot how amazing they are.  Heck yes, I am glad they are in my life again.  For every food I decide I love, I still hate meatloaf.  Thats all I got folks!  Be blessed.

I love my days off!  Let me start by saying I took a nap today!  I cant tell you the last time I did this.  It was sooooooooooooooo amazing.  Technically I did not have the day off completely but I was able to work from home.  I have a deadline I have to meet on 2010 planning, so I had to work on that today.  

Today, being a little bit more on the relaxed side, I spent a good portion reading. If I could fix any of the worlds problems one of the top would be human trafficking.  I was reading today that more than 800,000 people are forced into that horrific lifestyle each year.  Out of the 192 countries world wide, 162 countries are involved with human trafficking.  It makes me sick.  Now, I have to say I read for a couple hours on this which doesn't lead to the best of moods.  It also makes me want to lock my children away from this screwed up world.  This type of tragedy makes the drama I have to deal with everyday seem stupid.  Earlier tonight I had a student/leader quarrel and needless to say, I was a little perturbed by the amount of attention I had to give this situation.  Kids are going to be kids, and unfortunately, most kids today do not have the influence from an educated adult to help them work through the issues this life will throw at them.  So often times the responsibilities fall on the church or school and in our case....G-Life leadership.  Its not fair always but we signed up to stand in the gap for a generation that has been left to stand for itself.   We ALL have to be reminded at times that WE are the adults, and WE set the example.   I applaud the team that I work with, it was just a long evening.  

On a less serious note.... I love to watch people.  Have you ever walked into a public place like Walmart, Target, or even better Home Depot and wondered what brings people together?  Where did the attraction start, or how it even works between people?  I can get lost in watching people and today would have been a Psychology majors field day!  Especially in the great state of ARKANSAS!   There have been times that if I feel comfortable enough, I will ask people their story.  One thing is true about everyone.... PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES!  I saw a couple earlier tonight and I painted the perfect scenario out to a couple friends of mine, and the funny thing is I bet I was right on the money with those two.  

Tomorrow is going to be crazy but I get to go to Children's Hospital and see Hailey tomorrow.  She started treatments today, so it will be good to go up there.  

When I went to tuck my kids into bed tonight and pray with them, my sweet sweet baby boy, who is not far from being as tall as me, said.  "Mom, can I tell you why I love you?"  Of course I was all ears.  He gave me several reasons but there was one thing he said that made my heart melt.  He said " You are the kind of mom I can say anything and you are not afraid."  I asked him what that meant and he explained that he felt safe telling me stuff.  Little does he know how scared I am of what he sees and faces everyday.  My kids will never know how they are my biggest accomplishments. I smiled as I hugged and kissed him goodnight.  I love love love that kid.   So off to bed, just to wake and find that it all is waiting for me tomorrow.  

Beautiful day.....

Today, was much like any other Sunday.  Except this morning I woke up late.  So I was running like a mad woman to get ready for church.  Ruben Morgan came on while I was getting ready and was singing "I will be still and know you are God."  I don't care what is going on in my life, that song has so much meaning and it reminds me of the need to slow down.  

I get to church at 8:00 this morning and I had a mom ask me if I would be willing to help her home school her son.  It took everything in me not laugh in her face.  I told her no, but inside I was screaming "Are you kidding me?  NO WAY!  Do you not care about your sons education?"  

I left to go to the GLR campus after the first service, and my niece Tori went with me as well as Hadyn.  

After church was over, about 30 students and I went to BEEF O BRADYS to eat lunch. We were in the party room and the waitress was so hateful to us, it was not even funny!  Without going into major detail....I took care of it.  Thanks Mr Jones and it was great to see you today as well....tell the kids hello!  One point for Amber....Zero for the crazy  waitress lady. 

We had G-Life tonight and it was great.  I love my students.  We caught the mice....two of them, so I hope that we are done.  Sick Out! 

I have a student who thinks she is a vampire.  I met with her and her mom tonight.  This is not the same student that thinks they are a wizard, but its good to know that I get to deal with a diverse group of crazies.  This little girl has gotten herself into some crazy stuff. 

I went to Walmart after church tonight. Note to self.....DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.  Let me just break down what it was like.....

1.  IT was "Wear your nastiest PJ's to Walmart" night  

2. There was a Hispanic woman with her shirt lifted feeding her baby with out covering up in the middle of the store. I thought I was in Central America! 

3. I saw a woman with at least 8 fleet enema's in her basket.....I felt bad for her....but I giggled

4.  As I was leaving there was two guys making out in the parking lot of walmart.....I had to get home and get away from crazy ville! 

Phil has to work tomorrow but I still have the day off, so I hope it is a very relaxing day! Love MONDAYS!  Need a week of Mondays! 

The weather was beautiful today.....and I pray that is stays like this for the next few days. Blessings.....

I will refrain from speaking....

I have always been the girl that talks....sometimes a lot. Not about other peoples business, just talks.  As I said yesterday, I have no reason to hide my feelings and pretty much what you see is what you get.  Well, today that worked against me....again. =) I sent a twitter out in the middle of an awkward moment that said "I find that I often get in trouble for what I say. But I feel like I should be rewarded for what I don't say....just saying...."

Now, that is really the truth.  I hold back.... a lot!  However, sometimes I guess I don't hold back enough.  Needless to say today was one of those days.  haha. Its a good thing I am back at home where I can't get myself in to too much trouble.  

My morning started off amazing with sleeping in, then a trip to Starbucks to see a friend.  I received word not too late into the morning that a friend of ours, the sister in law of dear dear friends, had lost the battle to cancer this morning.  I was at a loss for words.  Life never seems so real until there is a loss.  My heart is breaking for her husband and two children as well as the rest of the family. 

I decided to go do some Christmas shopping with Shelly.  Now, I guess the rest of Arkansas that was not watching the game, had the same idea.   It was crazy.....but I love crazy. I got some stuff done, and I feel ahead of the game.  Mariah Carry Christmas Album helped put it in the mood!   I need a built in hidden camera so that the world can see what I see everyday that I leave my house.  There is never a dull moment to say the least.  

I tried to sing the entire soundtrack of Moulin Rouge to Phil this morning and he locked me in my room!  hahahaha!  I just sang louder.....He loves my singing, even if he doesn't admit it.  

My last thought for the day is concerning a student that I have.  This student will remain nameless.  This student asked me what my thoughts were about being a "Wizard" Confused I asked what they meant and they informed me that they believed that they were a wizard and wanted to know how I felt about it......I told them to stop watching Harry Potter, and I thought it was dumb.  They said that God told them that is what they were to be.  We are meeting this week, and all I am saying is "Do I get paid enough for this? Doubt it.....

So in the mean time I am learning to bite my tongue and speak when spoken to....=)