A lightbulb!!!!!!

Today is December 8, 2009.  It has been way too long since I last blogged but I have had more on my plate than I know what to do with.  Peter the Blog Police has given me steady reminders to pick back up!  So here we go.  

I could very easily go into the details of the last few weeks/months, but to be honest I don't want to.  I am fully aware that each and every time we face trials in our lives,  we can grow from them so I chose to grow. I am thankful that along the way I have the most amazing friends that keep reminding me what Joy is.  Laughter is always a good medicine.  

Today has been a day unlike an other for me.  I have allowed myself to become lazy and distracted lately and it is no ones fault but my own, and it was time to get back in touch with reality.   My day started as they always do, way too early and not enough coffee.  The rain beating against my windows as the alarm went off made me feel like it would be best to roll over and pull the covers of my amazingly comfortable over sized bed up and over my head and sleep the morning away! But wait.... I am a Mom and at this current state until my partner in crime returns from Guatemala, a single mom.  So reluctantly I got out of bed and began getting my kids up and at it this morning.  Let me add that people in Arkansas act as if Rain will kill them so they forget how to drive when the rain hits!  I have no patience when it comes to that so after 15 min on the interstate I jumped off and took the back country roads towards my kids school!  Deliverance movie rolling in my head the whole time! 

After pulling through to get my starbucks life support, I received a phone call from an old student that seemed urgent so I turned the stereo down and gave her my undivided attention.  This is where a light bulb went off for me.  As she began to describe her predicament I began to think back to the way I viewed myself at her age and the way soooooo many of my friends viewed themselves.  I began to grasp every word she spoke as if they were my own knowing more than she realized the depth of her broken little heart.  She spilled everything.  The need to achieve human acceptance, especially that of men.  The broken heart after broken heart after broken heart.  The image issues that she struggled with.  The whole time I am hearing this I am thinking to myself "Do you know who you are?"  From the outside looking in she is one of the most accomplished, talented, beautiful young ladies I know, and yes she is in fact a true lady.  She told me about these relationships that she keeps running back to after she gets hurt, the whole time trying to convince me that she is what these people needed....she was their Messiah. She never said that but it was like she thought that maybe one more go around with these losers and they would see the truth. Nothing was ever good enough she felt....and she was never worthy.  Not to mention that the kind of guys she would get caught up with were thugs to say the least.  Her relationship with her parents is horrible and her mom is emotionally checked out, and her dad is another story.  She talked for a few minutes and asked if she could call me later.  I agreed knowing she was going to want answers.  After we hung up I began to think about what causes young people to feel the way they do, especially girls.  Where does it all began.  The crazy thing is the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel uncomfortable and sad.  How in the world was I going to give this girl advice?  I had to go back and look at where my life started taking a turn.  Where I stopped looking at others to give me the identity that God had already established.  I began to realize that we often allow people to put us on the back burners if you will until we are needed and that is where we find that pit of loneliness and depression.  Why do we do this to ourselves.  We spoke off and on through the day.  I saw a pattern with her.  She gets hurt by people that she loves or thinks she loves and because the reality of what love is has never been experienced by this child she runs back to the very ones that hurt her in hopes it wont happen again.  Every relationship she had this cycle.   The strange thing is she has grown comfortable with the rejection to the point that she brings a lot of it on herself.  Our final conversation of the day, and I am well aware that this is just the beginning, was centered around finding your self worth and identity in God.  I wanted everything to tell her to drop the loser friends, dump the idiot thug, etc.  but instead I knew that would drive her closer to what was hurting her.  So, instead I challenged her to a quest.  One that will help her see the beauty and value that she has.  

There comes a point in our lives that we have to stop looking for others to believe in us and we have to believe in ourselves.  Having the faith that God will complete the work He started if we give him that opportunity, even when no one else believe it can happen.   Not long after our conversation I was in a challenging meeting pushing me to go further than I have ever gone.  Scared and excited at the same time, I am ready to move forward.  I can look back at my life over the past 31 years and smile.  I have accomplished more than I have ever thought possible and I am just beginning.  I have the right people around me that believe in me when I cant believe in myself.  I am loved and I love.  What an amazing place to be.  I want that for my students and I want that for my kids.  

I told my young friend today that I am confident that if I spoke with or ran into ANYONE from my past, they would not know who I was, but I finally do, and I pray the same thing for her. 

My evening came to a close as my brave 7 yr old daughter, Hadyn convinced me to let her cut off all of her hair.  She wanted so bad to donate it to locks of love in honor of two of our students that are fighting cancer.  She is a cool kid!  

So its not a funny blog but suck it up Peter....I cant always be funny.....I am not a light switch! =) 

Thursday!

Today has been a good day........

I laughed a lot today.  I have amazing friends that inspire that as well as some awkward students.  And you cant forget the back woods Arkansan who pop in and out of the picture to add flavor!  I wish I was smoother with my camera and I would record it all!  

It is 1:32am and a bunch of friends just left my house.  I will be getting up in 4 hours to get ready so I can get my kids ready to receive an education from someone other than me.  Hadyn asked why I dont homeschool.  My answer was because I love you and I want you to be smart.  She followed with "Are you not smart Mamma?"  I sent her on to play.  Sad day!  Why did that convo have to take place? 

My day was full of meetings....as most days are.  If I don't blog everyday, Peter the blog police will send me a friendly reminder.....so to keep the peace....I am blogging.  Much Love....Good Night! 

Wednesday

I went to Childrens to see my sweet Haley today.  We found out she is going to be losing her hair.  She is such a strong little girl! I admire her courage.  As I was leaving that wing of the hospital I passed several kids who were out and about that had already lost their hair.  It was more than I could handle at that moment.  

I went back up to GLR and the Dirt Conference was full in effect.  Phil was running around like a chicken with out a head, but that is pretty much the story of our lives.  He took a break and came into my office just to talk.  It was a big surprise, to just have him sitting there....talking.  He is a man of few words.  For those who do not know me, I love to ask questions.  I love to understand.  Phil left no questions to be asked today..... he just talked.  I was in shock! However, when he was done..... he was done.  He has nothing left to say.  hahaha

I worked all day going over emails and budgets for 2010.  Not the fun stuff, but very necessary.  

Church was great tonight and I love my team!  They are the best!  Charles is making a video for Elevation Sunday night promoting G-Life.  It is going to be funny to say the least!  

We ate at wings to go.....again.  That is all we do on Wednesday nights after church.  They love us there.  It is getting scary because they all know our names.  hahahahaha  I took my picture with a chicken tonight..... I really don't know why.  

Tuesday

Well, not much to say except I am glad today is over.  I had a very uneducated man tell me that I need to stop trying to do a mans job.  I should have pushed him over....but I handled it as a lady should and then waited until it was safe and lost my mind.....haha JERK!

I drank more coffee today than I have in my life, and I shook for so long everyone thought I was trying to dance. 

I realized something about myself....I need my friends.  Not the people who pretend to be my friends or the people who think they can gain anything from being my friend....but the real ones. I love having people who see me for who I am.  That know my heart, my dreams and my potential.  I love when people are not afraid to challenge me, but I don't like having my buttons pushed....why do I even have buttons.... PLEASE DONT PUSH MY BUTTONS.  All I can say, is life is too short to go at it alone.  Thank God, I have amazing people to enjoy this ride with, even if they are not all right here.  

I also re- kindled my love with fruit roll ups today.  I forgot how amazing they are.  Heck yes, I am glad they are in my life again.  For every food I decide I love, I still hate meatloaf.  Thats all I got folks!  Be blessed.

I love my days off!  Let me start by saying I took a nap today!  I cant tell you the last time I did this.  It was sooooooooooooooo amazing.  Technically I did not have the day off completely but I was able to work from home.  I have a deadline I have to meet on 2010 planning, so I had to work on that today.  

Today, being a little bit more on the relaxed side, I spent a good portion reading. If I could fix any of the worlds problems one of the top would be human trafficking.  I was reading today that more than 800,000 people are forced into that horrific lifestyle each year.  Out of the 192 countries world wide, 162 countries are involved with human trafficking.  It makes me sick.  Now, I have to say I read for a couple hours on this which doesn't lead to the best of moods.  It also makes me want to lock my children away from this screwed up world.  This type of tragedy makes the drama I have to deal with everyday seem stupid.  Earlier tonight I had a student/leader quarrel and needless to say, I was a little perturbed by the amount of attention I had to give this situation.  Kids are going to be kids, and unfortunately, most kids today do not have the influence from an educated adult to help them work through the issues this life will throw at them.  So often times the responsibilities fall on the church or school and in our case....G-Life leadership.  Its not fair always but we signed up to stand in the gap for a generation that has been left to stand for itself.   We ALL have to be reminded at times that WE are the adults, and WE set the example.   I applaud the team that I work with, it was just a long evening.  

On a less serious note.... I love to watch people.  Have you ever walked into a public place like Walmart, Target, or even better Home Depot and wondered what brings people together?  Where did the attraction start, or how it even works between people?  I can get lost in watching people and today would have been a Psychology majors field day!  Especially in the great state of ARKANSAS!   There have been times that if I feel comfortable enough, I will ask people their story.  One thing is true about everyone.... PEOPLE LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES!  I saw a couple earlier tonight and I painted the perfect scenario out to a couple friends of mine, and the funny thing is I bet I was right on the money with those two.  

Tomorrow is going to be crazy but I get to go to Children's Hospital and see Hailey tomorrow.  She started treatments today, so it will be good to go up there.  

When I went to tuck my kids into bed tonight and pray with them, my sweet sweet baby boy, who is not far from being as tall as me, said.  "Mom, can I tell you why I love you?"  Of course I was all ears.  He gave me several reasons but there was one thing he said that made my heart melt.  He said " You are the kind of mom I can say anything and you are not afraid."  I asked him what that meant and he explained that he felt safe telling me stuff.  Little does he know how scared I am of what he sees and faces everyday.  My kids will never know how they are my biggest accomplishments. I smiled as I hugged and kissed him goodnight.  I love love love that kid.   So off to bed, just to wake and find that it all is waiting for me tomorrow.  

Beautiful day.....

Today, was much like any other Sunday.  Except this morning I woke up late.  So I was running like a mad woman to get ready for church.  Ruben Morgan came on while I was getting ready and was singing "I will be still and know you are God."  I don't care what is going on in my life, that song has so much meaning and it reminds me of the need to slow down.  

I get to church at 8:00 this morning and I had a mom ask me if I would be willing to help her home school her son.  It took everything in me not laugh in her face.  I told her no, but inside I was screaming "Are you kidding me?  NO WAY!  Do you not care about your sons education?"  

I left to go to the GLR campus after the first service, and my niece Tori went with me as well as Hadyn.  

After church was over, about 30 students and I went to BEEF O BRADYS to eat lunch. We were in the party room and the waitress was so hateful to us, it was not even funny!  Without going into major detail....I took care of it.  Thanks Mr Jones and it was great to see you today as well....tell the kids hello!  One point for Amber....Zero for the crazy  waitress lady. 

We had G-Life tonight and it was great.  I love my students.  We caught the mice....two of them, so I hope that we are done.  Sick Out! 

I have a student who thinks she is a vampire.  I met with her and her mom tonight.  This is not the same student that thinks they are a wizard, but its good to know that I get to deal with a diverse group of crazies.  This little girl has gotten herself into some crazy stuff. 

I went to Walmart after church tonight. Note to self.....DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.  Let me just break down what it was like.....

1.  IT was "Wear your nastiest PJ's to Walmart" night  

2. There was a Hispanic woman with her shirt lifted feeding her baby with out covering up in the middle of the store. I thought I was in Central America! 

3. I saw a woman with at least 8 fleet enema's in her basket.....I felt bad for her....but I giggled

4.  As I was leaving there was two guys making out in the parking lot of walmart.....I had to get home and get away from crazy ville! 

Phil has to work tomorrow but I still have the day off, so I hope it is a very relaxing day! Love MONDAYS!  Need a week of Mondays! 

The weather was beautiful today.....and I pray that is stays like this for the next few days. Blessings.....

I will refrain from speaking....

I have always been the girl that talks....sometimes a lot. Not about other peoples business, just talks.  As I said yesterday, I have no reason to hide my feelings and pretty much what you see is what you get.  Well, today that worked against me....again. =) I sent a twitter out in the middle of an awkward moment that said "I find that I often get in trouble for what I say. But I feel like I should be rewarded for what I don't say....just saying...."

Now, that is really the truth.  I hold back.... a lot!  However, sometimes I guess I don't hold back enough.  Needless to say today was one of those days.  haha. Its a good thing I am back at home where I can't get myself in to too much trouble.  

My morning started off amazing with sleeping in, then a trip to Starbucks to see a friend.  I received word not too late into the morning that a friend of ours, the sister in law of dear dear friends, had lost the battle to cancer this morning.  I was at a loss for words.  Life never seems so real until there is a loss.  My heart is breaking for her husband and two children as well as the rest of the family. 

I decided to go do some Christmas shopping with Shelly.  Now, I guess the rest of Arkansas that was not watching the game, had the same idea.   It was crazy.....but I love crazy. I got some stuff done, and I feel ahead of the game.  Mariah Carry Christmas Album helped put it in the mood!   I need a built in hidden camera so that the world can see what I see everyday that I leave my house.  There is never a dull moment to say the least.  

I tried to sing the entire soundtrack of Moulin Rouge to Phil this morning and he locked me in my room!  hahahaha!  I just sang louder.....He loves my singing, even if he doesn't admit it.  

My last thought for the day is concerning a student that I have.  This student will remain nameless.  This student asked me what my thoughts were about being a "Wizard" Confused I asked what they meant and they informed me that they believed that they were a wizard and wanted to know how I felt about it......I told them to stop watching Harry Potter, and I thought it was dumb.  They said that God told them that is what they were to be.  We are meeting this week, and all I am saying is "Do I get paid enough for this? Doubt it.....

So in the mean time I am learning to bite my tongue and speak when spoken to....=)

Its Friday! You aint got no job...

Yeah right! It is in fact Friday, but I have a job and it is forever in front of me.  Its all good because I happen to love my job.  Earlier tonight was Tim and Kaitlyn's wedding.  It was great, and I was thrilled to be a part of it. Hadyn was the flower girl and she did great!  It has been an emotional process....but they are married and life goes on. 

Often times I find myself wanting to tell the truth to everyone.  Like when I meet someone who is under the impression that they are  something that they are not, I want to tell them the truth.  I had this discussion with Phil and I pointed out that it is biblical to speak the truth.  He quickly came back with " Amber it's speak the truth in love"  He basically told me that I tend to leave the love out of it when I am speaking truth to people....he laughed, but he is probably more right than he knows. Does this mean after you tell someone off, you follow with an "I love you."  HAHA Just sayin......

I am so in love with the idea of sleeping in tomorrow morning.  I don't even remeber what that is like.  

Have a good night....Much Love! 

Wednesdays are one of my most favorite days of the week!  I  had a couple meetings today, but it was a breeze compared to yesterday.  I got to have lunch with some of my favorite people at McCalisters and it was a beautiful day, so we ate outside.  There were birds everywhere and that was kinda gross....but its all good.  

In my office, someone left me a bag of tootsie pops and a smile note and that rocked my face off today!  So a billion suckers later.....here I am.  

Ok, I found a giant thing of bubble wrap and I am like a 5 year old.....I just want to lay it on the floor and tap dance on top of it! But instead I just popped it all! 

G-Life was crazy tonight, and the kids were in strange moods......but that is when they are the most fun.  Two kids were hanging all over each other and I was like hey...stop.  The boy said "Mrs Amber we are lovers"  I was like not here your not!  I could not believe he used that word....sick.  So, I took some Advil to help my head. Yes, Jr High students can give you headaches.....sometimes. 

I have decided the hardest thing about my job is some of the random parents.  I get some strange emails and lets just say I have one lady that sends me emails all the time about the end of the world.  She always asks me if I know for sure that I am going to heaven.  My answer is always the same so either she forgets that we have had this convo or she thinks I am a big liar.  

Can I just say I have the best leaders in the world.  I love our little family, and I love Hot Wings every Wednesday night!   I laugh more there than I do anywhere else. 

I had a black pastor ask me to come be part of his church....I said no, but I bet that would have been SO MUCH FUN!  

Erin Bezet was graced with my singing today in the coffee shop and I believe that her life will forever be changed.  =) 

I am just in a sober mood tonight.  Not much to say, but Micah G. is asleep on my couch and so tomorrow will be another story!  

Finally....its over!

Tuesdays are LONG for me.  One, because they are full of meetings and two....Well, I hate meetings.  Its not that I hate the meetings that I have, well not all of them, but its that the day is full of them.  

Lets see, well I got up at the typical 6am time to get the kids ready for school.  They were in the worse moods ever and they both started fighting.  Hadyn, my 7 year old is in that stage where you think to yourself "She is so cute" and then she smiles and those new BIG teeth that are all over the place are looking at you.  Well, she was angry at her brother and her choice of action was to bite him with those teeth!  Before I go any further....you need to understand Justus, my 9 year old. 

He is an amazing kid, but his voice is stuck in this whine tone that DRIVES ME CRAZY!  Just in case you are not aware of what that sounds like, I am going to give you a very vivid description.  Have you seen the movie Shrek? Well, the little ginger bread man sounds JUST LIKE MY SON! That's right "Not the gum drop buttons!" 

So needless to say, after the bite....there is a loud whiny scream!  I got in the middle of it and both were yelling at the top of their lungs!  I dealt with it the biblical way (haha) and took their little precious selves to school!  

My first meeting was with me dear friend Rebecca!  I love her, but we are going through this book together that causes us to both deal with things in our lives that are out of whack.  Yes, that is a good thing, but its never fun. 

My next meeting was at one of my favorite restaurants with an old friend.  However, the waitress made me want to scream.  She was like a live version of a character off of the Doug cartoon.....I am not sure how to explain that, but it was odd. 

I had another meeting following that and it lasted about 20 min.  But my brain was swimming the entire time. 

Finally I had a meeting working on the 2010 calendar from 1:30 to almost 4pm.  It was a roller coaster of questions and ideas.  I needed medication. 

Then I had an admin meeting.  I walked out of that meeting playing with my brain like play dough.  

I took my kids to dinner and then home.  

On the way home I got word about one of my students.  We recently found out that she has a tumor in her sinus cavity and they declared it cancer today.  It was pretty sad and I have to admit I have been having a rough time with this.  

Got home and my Hispanic neighbors, who do not speak English, but are very nice, were attempting to break dance in the drive way....so I watched. haha

We had our last pre-marital counseling with Tim and Kaitlyn tonight.  This is a very emotional time for me.... let me explain.  Both Tim and Kaitlyn were in my youth ministry when they were young.  I have watched them grow up, physically, spiritually, and mentally.  They have been the greatest of friends and now they are getting married.  They also work with us in our ministry.  It has been pretty cool to see my heart for them played out.  

I did see a guy at the gas station that looked like Tupac and I told him.  He just starred at me as if I had lost my mind so I laughed and walked off.  So, if you are wondering if Tupac is alive....yes he is, but he is not very friendly and would prefer to hide out in nowhere Arkansas working for the city under a fake name of "Luis".  We know its you Tupac....we know its you.  

So after all that....my day is over!  I think I am going to bed.  Life is funny and God is good! 

Here we go.....

So after the day/weekend I have had I felt it necessary to take time and set up a blog. Just like everyone I have good days and not so good days. However, here lately most of my days have been full of randomness. Some say I bring this on myself, and that may be the case, but I wanted to start writing about what my days look like. Today is November 2, 2009. I want to recap the Halloween weekend before we dive into today.... just because I can.
We have what seems life a billion services every weekend, which is cool if there are people there....and there always is. I dropped my kids off with my good friends to go trick or treating before I had to go to church on Saturday night. I had arranged for them to stay the night with these friends. On the way to church a little girl dressed like Hilary Clinton (mask and suit) ran out in front of my car! No I didn't hit her but was shocked when her Al Roker looking dad came running out after her. I laughed and of course twittered it on my way into the church parking lot. At church there was only a couple hundred people at church on Saturday night which made the place feel empty. The razorbacks were playing and those who were not watching the game were dressed up and out begging for candy. So, several of my leaders and I decided to go into Little Rock and see what was going on. We were going to some "historically spooky" places and it ended up being the a very strange night!
Let me start by saying I don't believe in Ghosts, but I do believe in CRAZY and that is what we found. Downtown North Little Rock we ran into an African American man named Michael Adams. HE was drunker than a skunk and was not afraid to tell you. He talked to us for about 15 min. and yes we have it ALL on video tape. This is what we learned from him.....

1. Little Rock is full of Silent Ghosts that kill like TB, and Swine Flu
2. He makes alot of money building buildings
3. He stays drunk and is proud of it
4. Arkansas allows drunks to build buildings (please refer to 2 and 3)
5. Mexicans gave him TB
6. He had been shot 11 times and while pointing to his mouth was telling us about a knee replacement
7. The doctor has him on 38 pills a day
8. He has to smoke weed so he can eat
9. The doctor told him to stop smoking and drinking and he thought that the doctor was joking
10. He has spent 1/3rd of his life in Prison and his kids are now there
11. We need to break the cycle (I am not sure what cycle he is talking about)
12. He ended with full frontal hugs for everyone in the group that he could hug

The night over all was crazy. I have since come to this conclusion; the world as we know it is full of boring people and that is why we find ourselves bored. However, if we will take the time to look around at the "not so boring" people.... life has a new twist. I live for these moments.

The next night at our youth service in Little Rock I had a mouse run across the stage in the middle of my message. The kids all screamed and when I finally got their attention back.... it ran across again. Needless to say, it was not your typical service.

Mondays are suppose to be my day off. It is my favorite day of the week. However we had a mandatory meeting today which meant that I had to work. It was right in the middle of the day, and that put me in a mood to say the least. I had another random day today.
*I have friends out of state that decide to call in sick to work to drive 4 hours to audition for a movie....still don't have the scoop on that.
*Sat in a meeting.... I hate meetings.
*I had a student call me accidental and I heard his conversation about guys who pierce their belly buttons have to be gay. I am not sure what that was about either, but I have to say I did listen to the WHOLE conversation.
*I had another friend have a breakdown and we are all entitled to those.
*In the middle of her breakdown I get a text from a random student of him dressed as Darth Vader. This is his hero and he always talks as if he is part of star wars...He is 15. Just thought I would add that.
*School lets out and I get at least 26 text messages within 20 min. about random stuff from students including those if you love God you will forward this and if you don't you will burn in hell texts. Needless to say I see those as a dare and I NEVER forward them on.
* Went to a friends house and somehow we got into a discussion on end times, modern times and Chicago the group. No we were not smoking anything.
* And finally after putting my kids to bed ran to the store and saw a couple have a fist fight in the Kroger parking lot. When I came out of the store.... That same couple was making out.

Not as much detail today, but I knew I had to start somewhere. If I could ask God anything right now it would be " Is this really my life, and do you think you are funny? " Life is funny and God is good.